oh boring old faith- why do you have to be so enduring?

im not schooled in christianity or any other faith. im fairly young in my own relationship with the god, but i like to think questioning our belief is key to deeping our faith. i think of it in two different ways. the first is like baking a semi-difficult item, say a french almond chocolate cake. sure, you can go buy the cake mix, add 2 ingredients to the powder and wallah-instocake. but if you bake a cake from scratch-whipping the eggs, melting the chocolate, chopping the almonds- you find out what goes into a french almond chocolate cake, and what happens if you miss a step or add too many. and it just tastes better.

and i think a large reason why it tastes better is because of the time and effort you put into it. it's not the cake that is the gift- it's everything that went into making the cake. so i feel this way with faith. until i put my time, effort, and over 20 minutes of whisking into it- it's not quite as rewarding. in the end you get chocolate cake or you get chocolate cake. in the end you get faith or you get faith. it may look the same to a passerby, but the recipe varies greatly.

the second way i look at faith is rather personal. i look at steven. more specific i look at my view of steven & our relationship. it has changed throughout the few (7 or 8) years we have been together. everytime i get frustrated, hurt, mad, or sad, our relationship grows. i learn how to cope with something. i learn how to share my feelings and ask the right questions. sometimes i find out quirks about my inner being. everytime im happy, we giggle and sing together, im reminded of the reasons i chose to hang out with this guy. and when really bad things happen, his unwavering love is an anchor i use to pull myself through the muck. i loved steven when we got married. and i love steven now. but love, like faith, means different things at different times. my love for steven is bigger than before, deeper, more resonate with the universe. and i wouldn't trade it for the old love, even though i know what we've had to go through to get it.

i like trying to find out what i believe, and why i believe it. when i push my faith, when i question it, i erase those invisible boundaries that restrain faith to a building, or a book. if god loves everyone, surely he will love one that questions his motives. doesn't a teacher love a child that wants to find out why something works? it may be burdening some, but once the child figures it out, it's like gold. enduring. last forever. so i question, wonder, and ask. and if, after the whys, a particular belief doesn't hold up, then it wasn't for me.

and obviously i did not make my goal of not using my computer for a month. im a failure, i know.